My childishness is layered. A byproduct of the entitlement I inherited when I was a white evangelical Christian. (No disrespect intended.)
When I was young, I hated childishness. I aspired for wisdom, maturity, and growth. I took work seriously, school seriously, family obligations, volunteer commitments, sports/recreation seriously. Everything was an elaborate undertaking.
My failure as a teacher evolved from this hatred of childishness. “He’s touching me. He looked at me. He took my pen.” I could’ve quit the profession based on that conversation alone.
But at the heart of it, parts of me are underdeveloped—stunted. I’m short. Stocky. If I had my way, I’d only watch movies with happy endings. I hate conflict, drama, and theatrics. I like things simple, straightforward, and plain. And I’m silly. Although it is deeply rooted, I mask it. Although I won’t let anyone hold me accountable to it, I am childish.
And because I understand my social location and the role that I play in the microcosm; and because there isn’t enough time or space to act, think, and live childishly, I resent it when others are able to live in to the fullest expression of who they are. Because I can’t. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t have those privileges.
Sci-fi has always been my favorite. Most of my favorite shows go like this:
- The big reveal- the main character unwittingly discovers his powers in the midst of chaos or tragedy.
- He wrestles with normalcy. He wrestles with what it means to be human.
- Two factions emerge. Members of both sides straddle the lines of good and evil. Heroes emerge. Villians emerge from failed heroes who’ve suffered trauma.
- There are battles. There is war.
- The hero wrestles with who he is and what’s his purpose (again).
- Someone loses himself to selfishness, childishness, or pride.
- Someone is redeemed and saved from darkness. Someone becomes even more unforgiving and deliberate.
The root of the protagonist’s dissatisfaction, his downward spiral towards sociopathy, is childishness. He cannot overcome it (Donald Trump is the president of the United States!).
Week 15 Successes
The Houston Wellness Project hosts free 5K events most weekends. My sister and I are planning to run next week.
I drank water today, and I bought a cooler for the car! Since I’m on the road pretty often for work, I’m hoping it will force me to pack smarter meals, to eat out less, and to stop being a slob.
We have a corkboard near the front door littered with stickies. We post projects, wants, and goals. One of the stickies read Philly 2018. It was a decision waiting to be made about where we’d find ourselves in the future. There was a conversation about consequences and time. Sweater weather and purpose. Later this week I found the sticky had moved from the corkboard to the table. A few days later, Philly 2018 had been trashed.
We broke even at the Taste of Louisiana Festival in Sugarland and made a few connections. I painted on canvas for the first time!
Week 15 Failures:
Childishness. Sloth. Fatigue.
What were your successes this week? What were your failures? Has your own childishness ever gotten in your way?